HOME OF THE "FIGHT'N SEA MONKEYS"
| Course Title | Course Description | Instructor |
|---|---|---|
Apartment Manager |
Course covers techniques in renting technically uninhabitable dwellings for top dollar; discouraging lawsuits and authoritative involvement with empty threats of deportation, physical harm or an untimely death; masking health and safety hazards using large amounts of paint, tape, strategically placed rugs, curtains,and mirrors; rapid-fire, fool-proof eviction techniques that leave your former tenants bewitched, bothered and bewildered; how to evade law enforcement, avoid process servers and elude building inspectors. |
Anita Highball |
Bathroom Attendant |
Students will learn how to artfully dispense paper towels, where to place their tip jar to maximize results, where to obtain cheap counterfeit's of exorbitantly-priced designer colognes and lotions, how to break up noisy bathroom stall trysts without spoiling the mood, and under which circumstances to alert management, maintenence and/or law enforcement. |
|
Cereal Box Designer |
Work with the esteemed Heywood Jablomi, MA/PGDip/PGCert, formerly of the Pacoima Art Institute learning state of the art cereal box design. Learn how to entice young consumers with brilliant colors, pictures of their favorite cartoon characters and/or sports legends and promises of hidden prizes; where to subtly place ingredients and nutritional values on the box so it can't be seen by the naked eye, and how to make the boxes virtually impenetrable without the aid of a hand-held power tool. |
|
Dog Psychic |
S.H.I.T. is honored to welcome as a special guest instructor, straight from his cancelled show on the Sci Fi Channel, renowned and universally despised psychic John Edward, guiding students in reading the mind of man's best friend. Discover whether Fido's got a simple case of the jitters or if untreatable inflammation of the brain is causing that uncontrollable shaking. Find out what really happened to that half-frozen turkey that vanished from the kitchen sink last Thanksgiving. Is it time for Bowser to go outside or is he giving you a heads up that he just left a batch of sweet sidewalk stew on your $300 Burberry scarf? Answers to those, and so many of life's other mysteries can be yours! |
John Edward |
*Elevator Inspector |
You can be the go-to guy in your apartment building as an S.H.I.T. certified elevator inspector. Learn what makes elevators go up.. and down, what to do if you think an elevator might stop going up or down, who to call if the numbers have worn off all the buttons? Can someone actually make a living painting elevator buttons? What the hell is a mezzanine, anyway? Mr. Duane Schneider will have all the answers. As an added bonus, Mr. Schneider hosts a happy hour for his students every Tuesday at Live Bait on PCH! *Did we mention that this class is for ladies only? |
Duane Schneider |
French Fry Technician |
Instructor Carl Karcher will give students the inside scoop on what it takes to make really great fries. He's not the Carl Karcher of Carl's Jr. fame. Heck, that guy's dead and buried! He's not even related to him. But he has the same name and he looks smug. And so will you after you've immersed yourself into his world. French fry snobbery is a natural by-product when you share a first AND last name with an ugly, fat-assed, bigoted fast food tycoon. |
Carl Karcher |
Garbage Truck Driver |
¡Bienvenido, al Señor de Pacas! Straight from the streets of east L.A., S.H.I.T. welcomes one of Southern California's foremost authorities on dragging crap around, and then finally ditching it,(i.e.,Tommy Chong). He's also an expert at driving any type of vehicle under the influence of anything. Learn how to maintain a constant state of bakedness, so that the fact that you drive around all day in a truck filled with other peoples waste doesn't even phase you. |
Pedro de Pacas |
*Music Production Control Board Operator |
S.H.I.T. is honored to welcome the former self-appointed"King of Pop" as a guest instructor in the music production department. Learn how to operate a control board, so that when you are too frail from plastic surgery abuse, you can simulate talent, make barely tolerable records, and be able to pay off the parents of the small children that you insist on hanging around even though everyone knows you are a gynormous pedophile! *Absolutely no children allowed at any time under any circumstances. |
Michael Jackson |
Oil Rig Repair |
Whether you think he's a great president or the greatest president ever, he's going to need some way to "put food on his family" when the Democratic congress impeaches his ass! And George knows oil rigs! Why do you think his early oil business failed? Busted oil rigs! That's right! And with his down-to-earth communication style, even a third-grader can take instructions from him. Learn techniques like: "Start a war"; Out a C.I.A. agent"; "Appoint incompetent people to positions they are totally unqualified for"; and when all else fails, "Sell your soul to Karl." |
George Bush |
Retail Therapy |
Once thought of as an expert on foreign and domestic policy, Dr. Rice has slowly evolved into a kind of Oprah with balls and freckles. Her new motto: "When the going gets tough for hurricaine victims, the secretary of state goes shopping!" Why stand around worrying how or if disaster victims will survive when Ferragamo's got a shoe sale? What can one little person REALLY do about it anyway? Dr. Rice will take you step by step through a thinking process that has gotten her inside access to, not only one of the most corrupt administrations in world history, but some really great markdowns! |
Condoleeza Rice |
*Shooting a Guy in the Face |
Enter the exciting world of shooting people in the face, with your instructor, you guessed it, Dick "Shotgun" Cheney! Learn how to shoot people in the face with a shotgun, hand gun, crossbow, and even those guns that took so long to load they needed to tape a knife on the front! You can also learn how to use throwing knives and ninja stars to accomplish similar results. *We cannot be held liable for any injuries sustained while attending this class. |
Dick Cheney |
Understudy for Satan |
Have your friends ever said to you, "I would sell my soul for a PS3!"? Well, now you can give them their wish as you drag them kicking and screaming into the fiery pits of the underworld! Karl Rove has finally decided to put his real talent to use in order to instruct S.H.I.T. students on how to become heir to Satan's throne! With methods like: "Sweet talk", "Seduction", "Man or woman?" and "Anonymous blackmail," you'll be well on your way. Intern placements available at used car lots, collection agencies and the IRS. Then, move up from lesser demons to the Supreme Court and then to the White House! |
Karl Rove |
